On Making Mistakes

"The sages do not consider that making no mistakes is a blessing. They believe, rather,
that the great virtue of man lies in his ability to correct his mistakes and continually to make a new man of himself."
~Wang Yang-Ming

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A comedy/tragedy

 Inside these history books is a hillarious story

When I was 15 years old my father and I moved to a new town. It was a fairly new track home. The first owners only lived there a year and not much was done to the yard so the landscaping was going to be my job. The first week that I moved in, a girl named Lisa, who lived in the house behind me, came over to get to know me. Since it was summer vacation, we spent the whole day together just talking and goofing around. 

We wandered out into the yard so I could get a good look at what I had to think about for landscaping. I looked behind the shed and saw four green bushy bushes about three feet high. Lisa asked me if I knew what they were. I wasn't sure but leaves looked like marijuana leaves and I'd never seen a bush before. She told me I was right and then started suggesting we could make a lot of money if we sold it. I asked her how we would do that and she said we had to dry it first. I knew exactly how to do that since I had just learned how to dry flowers from my grandmother.

We spent hours picking the biggest most beautiful leaves and carefully placing them between wax paper and in between the pages of my 200 years history books. I thought we were doing a marvelous job and it was going to be an exciting adventure.


The next day I called Lisa to talk about what we would do this day, but she didn't answer. Then I went out to check on our plants and they were all completely gone. I ran into her before the summer was over and tried to talk about it with her, but she got really nasty with me. Then when school began she and her friends followed behind me walking home, calling me names and throwing rocks. 

I never could understand it when I was young. I tried to tell her that I did not take the plants for myself. However, I found out many years later it was her boyfriend who planted the seeds and he was the one who raided the crop. It was already part of the plan for her to defriend me. But the reason for the throwing of rocks was revealed to me by a friend of the boyfriend thirty years later, who was there at the time. The boyfriend was peeking through the fence as I was sunbathing and said some stuff out loud about wanting to tap that. It pissed her off and she took it out on me. I didn't want anything to do with her boyfriend, but I do still have all these lovely dried, pressed leaves. 

Lisa became a drug addict and alchoholic. At about 22 years old she was driving drunk after the clubs one night and ended up in a car accident which killed a whole family. She survived, but had to go to jail for manslaughter for about ten years. When she got out of jail she continued her substance abuse and died at around 34 years of age.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

"Meditations" by a Roman Emperor

"In the life of a man, his time is but a moment, his being an incessant flux, his senses a dim rushlight, his body a prey of worms, his soul an unquiet eddy, his fortune dark, and his fame doubtful. In short, all that is of the body is as coursing waters, all that is of the soul as dreams and vapours: life a warfare, a brief sojourning in an alien land; and after repute, oblivion. Where, then, can man find the power to guide and guard his steps? In one thing and one alone: philosophy."


Marcus Aurelius (AD 121-180)

Monday, June 25, 2012

And I Cry Daily

I was sleeping and being comforted
by a cool breeze, when suddenly a gray dove
from a thicket sang and sobbed with longing,
reminding me of my own passion.

I had been away from my own soul so long,
so late sleeping, but that dove's crying
woke me and made me cry. 'Praise
to the early morning grievers!'

~Adi al-Riga


It's not so bad

I spend a great deal of time doing my own thing, so it's not such a bad life after all. My kids all have their interests, my husband loves to bike ride and drink with friends many times a week, so that frees me up for what I want to do. As a teacher I have summers off, though the district keeps shrinking the summer. As long as I pay the bills, clean the house, make the food, solve the problems, maintain the pets, cars and health of all under this roof, there will be peace.

But when I want to go somewhere, I have to either sneak out or engage in WW111. That is my biggest issue. I want to be free to go, go. I don't want to hear no, no.
It's my life too!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Welcome to my world

So I was out of the country for two weeks and I am still recovering from the high speed travel. My daughter and I traveled together and were picked up at the airport curb by my husband, older daughter, and her boyfriend. When I saw them I was grinning from ear to ear and ran out to the curb with my rolling suitcase and shopping bag filled with five pounds of chocolate. My husband gave his usual quick peck on the lips without touching bodies, it's not unusual. I'm very accustomed to this. My daughter who is 18 years old now, ran at me with arms wide open and said "Momma!" We embraced and kissed and embraced again, then her boyfriend gave me a nice hug. We loaded our bags into the back of the van and began to load our bodies when my younger daughter who had traveled with me said, "You didn't even give me a hug!" I thought she was saying this to her sister and I said, "Give her a hug, she's your only sister!" but that wasn't who she was talking to. She said, "I'm talking to dad." So I looked at him and expected he would say he's so sorry for being so neglectful. Instead he yelled at her saying "You just stood there holding your bags!" He actually purposely did not hug her! I was angry, but calmly said loudly so all in the van could hear. "It is the father's job to show his daughter how much he missed her." "She is the one who was gone." Nothing more was said, by either of us on this subject. He remained emotionless and did not apologize to her, he went on to ask for directions to the restaurant. I apologized to my young daughter alone later for her father's lack of affection.

I have never hesitated to tell my husband what I think of his actions, but I don't go on and on about it and I typically let it go pretty quickly. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should be remembering these incidents, because even though I don't bring it up again, it does leave a scar inside. Maybe it is more like a brick, making the wall bigger? Today I had forgotten this incident, but forced myself to look back on it. My counselor had told me years ago that I take a lot of pain from people, but when it affects my child that is when it triggers my anger. In the past, I've been more outwardly angry with things he has done that affected the children, but I became less passionate about the fight when I figured out that since he is their father, they love him no matter what he does. So when they see me fight with him, then they begin to protect him even though he is the one who hurt them. I've found it to be a no-win battle. So now, I say what I think, my child hears it, my husband hears it and nothing changes. This is our family dance of killing passion.

Since I have it all figured out, why am I bringing it up now? Because I hate this dance! I really, really hate it. However, there is nothing more I can do, but talk about it. Talking makes me feel better, but changes nothing. I am dilussional to be thinking that my logic will make such sense to him that he will see the hurt he causes and then want to make it better. But rather, he likes how he does things and sees nothing wrong at all. Unfortunately, this is simply a fricking annoyance, not a legitimate excuse for divorce. Is it? My friends say I should start recording all of these things, because I do forget and forgive on the outside. But I bury it or I file the feeling away and then when I do blow up, I tell him I am miserable, but I struggle to remember examples of why? So of course he chalks it up to PMS, and carries on as if nothing was ever something he could have done wrong. There really is no way to win an argument with him. His sister told me this has always been the case and that he holds on to resentment and will retaliate for years past the original incident. I feel caught in a very sticky web, but the spider won't take me out of my misery.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

A Soulful Smile


A favorite quote of mine is said by Democritus, 

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold, the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul." 

His philosphies were not well received during his day, even Plato despised his teachings so much that he called for them to be burned. So being the philosophical underdog that he was, how could he carry on in such a positive way, and continue to stress the importance of cheerfulness as the "ultimate good?" He had plenty to be pissed off about.

For Democritus there are two ways of "knowing," one through the senses and one through the intellect. His teachings run deeper than the mind. We must move past innate human nature to achieve inner contenment and understand that inner peace can only be attained through practice and self-discipline. Though I like to think that the inner peace is in us all along, and we just have to kick out the rubbish produced by being human living in a society. If we can get beyond our need to be like others or accepted by the world, we might find happiness in just "being" this concentration of atoms that will one day disperse again.

If you believe that for every effect there is a cause, then everything we do will affect the world in some way. Why not focus on being cheerful? What good will being nasty and negative bring to the world? Do you really think it will bring positive change? 

If we want love, we must give love. If we want the world to smile, we must begin to smile ourselves;~) 

(and not an nasty, evil, vengeful smile...that is not a smile, that is a smirk!!!!)

I'm talking about a smile that erupts from the happiness and contentment in the soul.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Thought of the Day

"An inexhaustible good nature is one of the most precious gifts of Heaven,
        spreading itself like oil over the troubled sea of thought,
and keeping the mind smooth and equable in the roughest weather."

                                              ~Washington Irving
This is the kind of thing that makes me SMILE:~))

Chicago~Terry Kath "Make Me Smile"

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Marcus Aurelius once said "The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. Therefore, guard accordingly and take care that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable to nature."

He spent much of his reign fighting barbarians who were ruthless opponents. One time I was told that the only way to fight barbarians in your life is to build a wall, but they will keep trying to climb over it and all you can do is beat them over the head with an iron stick. Maybe to some people, I am the barbarian? It's a matter of which side of the mirror you are on. Perhaps the barbarian is inside of each individual? Maybe we can call it our will, ego, desire? It's that part of us that wants what it wants and will do anything to get it even if we know it's wrong. Like a two year old who wants someone else's toy, then grabs it a runs away.

I believe what Marcus Aurelius realized is there is a barbarian in all of us and we need self control to rise above the battle zone in our hearts and minds. He also said, "Try living...as one who is well pleased with what is allotted to him from the whole and finds contentment in his own just conduct and kindly disposition." So no matter what pleasures, pains, health and wealth, be content in all that is given to you, good and bad, and you will be able to find happiness in the way you think about your circumstances. For good and bad are based on judgements and judgements are most often false.

Don't worry just be happy and share happiness with others as often as you find the strength in your heart and joy in your mind.
I decided to move to Aruba.
Described as "One Happy Island"
http://www.aruba.com/explorearuba/multimedia_gallery.aspx

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Big Fun Toady

I goofed. I thought I was taking a picture and then I realized the video was on instead so I shut it off quick. I should of let it run longer. He's a cute toad! We had lots of fun together.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Flying high inside the eye!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Something Stupid



I don't know how to put a YouTube video in so just practicing. I am enjoying this song and the pictures of Gene Kelley. She's so pretty!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Mistake

I thought I'd feel relieved to get back to one blog, but I didn't. I really missed this part of me. I make lots of mistakes. And its ok.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Contemplation...

If I had it to do over again,
              I would be less afraid to be me.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Damn!


Just a slip of the fingers
and all that is left is saliva.