So I was out of the country for two weeks and I am still recovering from the high speed travel. My daughter and I traveled together and were picked up at the airport curb by my husband, older daughter, and her boyfriend. When I saw them I was grinning from ear to ear and ran out to the curb with my rolling suitcase and shopping bag filled with five pounds of chocolate. My husband gave his usual quick peck on the lips without touching bodies, it's not unusual. I'm very accustomed to this. My daughter who is 18 years old now, ran at me with arms wide open and said "Momma!" We embraced and kissed and embraced again, then her boyfriend gave me a nice hug. We loaded our bags into the back of the van and began to load our bodies when my younger daughter who had traveled with me said, "You didn't even give me a hug!" I thought she was saying this to her sister and I said, "Give her a hug, she's your only sister!" but that wasn't who she was talking to. She said, "I'm talking to dad." So I looked at him and expected he would say he's so sorry for being so neglectful. Instead he yelled at her saying "You just stood there holding your bags!" He actually purposely did not hug her! I was angry, but calmly said loudly so all in the van could hear. "It is the father's job to show his daughter how much he missed her." "She is the one who was gone." Nothing more was said, by either of us on this subject. He remained emotionless and did not apologize to her, he went on to ask for directions to the restaurant. I apologized to my young daughter alone later for her father's lack of affection.
I have never hesitated to tell my husband what I think of his actions, but I don't go on and on about it and I typically let it go pretty quickly. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should be remembering these incidents, because even though I don't bring it up again, it does leave a scar inside. Maybe it is more like a brick, making the wall bigger? Today I had forgotten this incident, but forced myself to look back on it. My counselor had told me years ago that I take a lot of pain from people, but when it affects my child that is when it triggers my anger. In the past, I've been more outwardly angry with things he has done that affected the children, but I became less passionate about the fight when I figured out that since he is their father, they love him no matter what he does. So when they see me fight with him, then they begin to protect him even though he is the one who hurt them. I've found it to be a no-win battle. So now, I say what I think, my child hears it, my husband hears it and nothing changes. This is our family dance of killing passion.
Since I have it all figured out, why am I bringing it up now? Because I hate this dance! I really, really hate it. However, there is nothing more I can do, but talk about it. Talking makes me feel better, but changes nothing. I am dilussional to be thinking that my logic will make such sense to him that he will see the hurt he causes and then want to make it better. But rather, he likes how he does things and sees nothing wrong at all. Unfortunately, this is simply a fricking annoyance, not a legitimate excuse for divorce. Is it? My friends say I should start recording all of these things, because I do forget and forgive on the outside. But I bury it or I file the feeling away and then when I do blow up, I tell him I am miserable, but I struggle to remember examples of why? So of course he chalks it up to PMS, and carries on as if nothing was ever something he could have done wrong. There really is no way to win an argument with him. His sister told me this has always been the case and that he holds on to resentment and will retaliate for years past the original incident. I feel caught in a very sticky web, but the spider won't take me out of my misery.
I have never hesitated to tell my husband what I think of his actions, but I don't go on and on about it and I typically let it go pretty quickly. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should be remembering these incidents, because even though I don't bring it up again, it does leave a scar inside. Maybe it is more like a brick, making the wall bigger? Today I had forgotten this incident, but forced myself to look back on it. My counselor had told me years ago that I take a lot of pain from people, but when it affects my child that is when it triggers my anger. In the past, I've been more outwardly angry with things he has done that affected the children, but I became less passionate about the fight when I figured out that since he is their father, they love him no matter what he does. So when they see me fight with him, then they begin to protect him even though he is the one who hurt them. I've found it to be a no-win battle. So now, I say what I think, my child hears it, my husband hears it and nothing changes. This is our family dance of killing passion.
Since I have it all figured out, why am I bringing it up now? Because I hate this dance! I really, really hate it. However, there is nothing more I can do, but talk about it. Talking makes me feel better, but changes nothing. I am dilussional to be thinking that my logic will make such sense to him that he will see the hurt he causes and then want to make it better. But rather, he likes how he does things and sees nothing wrong at all. Unfortunately, this is simply a fricking annoyance, not a legitimate excuse for divorce. Is it? My friends say I should start recording all of these things, because I do forget and forgive on the outside. But I bury it or I file the feeling away and then when I do blow up, I tell him I am miserable, but I struggle to remember examples of why? So of course he chalks it up to PMS, and carries on as if nothing was ever something he could have done wrong. There really is no way to win an argument with him. His sister told me this has always been the case and that he holds on to resentment and will retaliate for years past the original incident. I feel caught in a very sticky web, but the spider won't take me out of my misery.
